God is Good - I Know From Experience

 This has been a post a long time in the making. If you skim down the page -- you will notice that it has been a while since I regularly posted new content. I have missed sharing with you -- but the break was very appropriate while I learned to walk in a new season of life.

The past few years have been nothing like I would have imagined them to be...we never do see difficulty and trauma in our future. Yes, we know there is the possibility -- but we get caught up in living life and we just aren't looking for hardship to come our way -- we live each day and face what comes.

But then there are seasons.

That sentence contains a whole lot in the five words that comprise it.

But then there are seasons.

The past few years have felt at times like I was in the boxing ring...getting knocked down -- struggling to stand back up only to feel the next punch coming. Let's just say my brain has been a bit foggy, my heart has been battered and my eyes have needed to stay laser focused on the only One who could get me through the season I found myself in. Everything else had to fade into the background....and it did.

Four years ago, my precious son, Weston, went through a dark period in his life that resulted in him making a permanent decision for a temporary problem. He took his own life. To say that Royce and our whole family grieved the loss of Weston is an understatement. It was a time that we had to cling to what we knew was true about our blessed Heavenly Father. He loves us and weeps with us when we are grieving. My world became smaller as I would strive to get up and face each day the best I could -- and help Royce who had lost not only his son, but his best buddy. Those were dark, dark days. But I can tell you that even in the midst of the deepest of grief -- we felt the presence of God and His Grace helping us to continue to breath and find a way to keep on living.

I found Elizabeth Elliot's book, Suffering Is Never for Nothing, to have soul soothing words that helped my keep my focus on Jesus and the gift of life He gives each of us. Some days, it was enough to make sure that everyone was fed, took their medicine and remembered to pray before closing our eyes for the day. My most profound sense was that God's mercies were new every morning. He gave me exactly what I needed to get through a very painful loss that no parent is ever prepared to face.

Royce was already in poor health -- having had a kidney transplant five years prior to Weston's death...and it is well documented that grief will ravage your body in ways you can't even imagine. Royce got up each day and did everything He could to support me and live a life pleasing to God. I am blessed to have walked as much of that path with Royce holding on to me as I had. It is never easy -- but it is easier when you are with someone who has loved the person you miss so very much. Grief took it's toll on both of us -- but we were more aware of it with Royce. His health declined...rapidly...and even though he fought to live -- his heart was already home with his Lord and his son.

At the same time, we became aware that I was just not doing very well either. I assumed it was just grief and did what I have done most of my life -- just powered through...knowing God was carrying me as only He can. But the truth was -- powering through was not going to get me where we needed to go. I needed some folks with medical knowledge to look at me, test me and tell me what was going on with my body. I thought that my loss of desire and/or ability to be creative, teach and write were just a part of my grieving process -- and no doubt they were...but there were other elements at work in my body to make those things even more difficult.

I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and Myasthenia Gravis. While I was mildly aware of Parkinsons' because of Michael J Fox, I had never heard of MG in my life. Both are auto-immune diseases that impact the way that your brain creates the various agents that help your muscles, body and brain to function even when you aren't thinking about it. Mine was not functioning very well. I had a hard time breathing, I was tired, I was foggy and my hands and limbs didn't seem to want to do what I told them to do. That wasn't fun...but it wasn't life ending either.  Royce and I knew that God would help us find the way -- and He did lead me to an amazing medical team in Nashville that got me started on a path of healthy living that allows me to maximize each day depending on how my body is able to participate in all the fun things I want to do!

Five days after receiving my diagnosis -- Royce woke up not feeling well at all and decided he needed to stay in bed and rest a bit extra. When I went back to check on him, he did not look well...but wanted to get up and start his day -- so I was in the midst of helping him when he went into cardiac arrest. I vaguely remember calling 911, pulling him onto the floor and beginning CPR and praying in between breaths that I was doing it right. The EMT's came quickly and took over -- but my heart knew -- he was at home with Jesus and reuniting with Weston. There was pain and joy all at once -- and I can't explain it any other way. I was devastated to have the love of my life -- gone on ahead of me...but I couldn't for the life of me call him back to the life he was living here on earth. He was instantly healed and reunited with Weston. While my heart was broken -- I rejoiced to think of them being together again.

So, to put the final touch on this season of grief -- it became obvious that I needed to be with family that could help me maneuver life without Royce and Weston and life with Parkinson's and MG. That necessitated a move from Nashville to Dallas. Lots and lots of work, changes and transitions. My only survival tool was knowing that I stood on solid ground with my Lord and Savior. I wasn't strong enough to get through it -- but He is always more than enough for whatever we need.

So here I am. New season. New perspectives. New challenges. Same God that has always been there to meet my every need.

I have been in a creative fog -- and that wasn't helped by the fact that my body didn't seem capable of creating what I asked it to create...so I just didn't do much of it.

But then God...

He reminded me of my calling. He reminded me that I am His Image Bearer and as such created to create. And with the help of my medical team, by ability to create is beginning to return as well. It's a process. It's not like it once was....but there is joy in relearning and rediscovering what it means to express my heart with art.

I am sure there will be many more chapters to this story...this season. And I want to share them with you...because one of the biggest things I've realized over these past months is that I am not alone in walking the path of grief and loss. I am not alone in feeling like my world turned upside down and my head is spinning as it rights itself. Many of you face far greater challenges than I do. The degree is not the point -- it is the commonality of our experience that binds us together. We both need to realize that this world is not our home. What we are currently walking through is temporary. God is always calling us to prepare for His Kingdom here on earth...and is willing to do whatever it takes to help us get there.

We will talk more about that in the coming weeks and months...but know I do want to talk with you about it. I know from experience...of my least favorite kind...that we need a community to help keep our hearts beating strong for the Giver of Life. God is good -- even in the midst of the darkest of nights. The enemy would make life harder than we think we can bear...but then God....He brings the light to the darkness! That is very good news!

I am looking forward to sharing creative things with you again. Please be patient with me -- I am having to relearn many of the things that came easily before -- and technology didn't wait for me...so I am playing catch up.

I will be back soon...but for now -- look at this fun project I am working on...I think it is going to be a journal cover...stick around and we will see how it develops!

Know I have missed our regular conversations on all the various "social" sites -- and am looking forward to experiencing that again with you.

Until next time...know you are loved and prayed for -- by me!